my anxiety

Anxiety.  It resides, in me.  

it's social sometimes. It's really awkward when it's social, I hate it.  It happens particularly when I'm horrified about a word that came out of my mouth, that I'm sure I mispronounced.  And the anx tells me that everyone knows.  Or I say something, and it just comes out weird.  And everyone looks.  The Antidote: Yes, No, Smile, Nod.  

but that's just the mental anx.  it sucks, but it's not like the physical. 

cause sometimes the anx is extreme pressure, in my chest.  Pressure caused because my blood is pumping faster than my heart can go, and my body feels like it's going to explode from the heat, of trying to keep up.  And then my arms go numb. 

sometimes it's in my throat.  like it is right now.  Just a slight yet mighty pulsing, in my throat.  I find myself trying to swallow it down.  Or blow it out, in a deep, from the gut, blow.  Sometimes those blows give a few seconds of relief.  But as soon as it's all out.. the pulsing is still there, I can still feel it.  

occasionally it will hit my stomach, and waves of wanting to vomit bellow through me.  I never do though.  I never do actually get sick.  But I think I will.  

the absolute worst of it, when it hits really hard, is when I have choices and decisions at hand, and my mind won't stop racing, and I get overwhelmed, and the physical elements start kicking into gear and then ~ all of me goes numb.  Like zombie numb. And I just have to sleep.  To shut it down.  And escape it.  

it's not too often that that happens.  But it does.  From time to time.  It happened yesterday, this past Sunday.. and you want to know what drives me the most batty about it??  It happens over good things, and bad things.  It doesn't discriminate, dammit!  It's the absolute WORST when ~ like right now ~ I'm happy, life is super good, exciting things are happening! and this damn anxiety just attacks me.  I just hate how it loves me.

me.  right now, as I type.  with my pulsing throat.  :)

and, yes, I have tried a pill.  A few years ago I did, for about a year.  And it helped.  But it also numbed, and I didn't like that.  I went off it, and am fine 90% of the time.  I was told that if it starts to affect my ability to function on a daily basis.  If for even one day, I don't get up, and go to work because of it.  Then, I need to do something. Take something.  But right now, it doesn't affect me to that extent.  It's the rare occasion that it actually takes me down.  But it does, sometimes.  Just for a few hours at a time usually, but it does. 

Rhett and I have been together for 3 years now.. and though he doesn't get it, cause it doesn't happen to him; he understands that it happens to me.  He knows when it is coming. And you want to know what he does?  He tells me to nap, and he cleans the house, like he did yesterday.  Cause the weirdest thing?  a clean house immediately eases it.  Or, he'll just lay with me, and wait it out.  Or, if I'm drowning, and I've stopped trying to gasp for air, he'll drag my ass out of the house and will find me some air.  

I owe him a big thanks, for taking care of me, and helping me get through when the anxiety fills me. I'm lucky.  I love the way he loves me.  Thanks babe.  

weekend recap

|| the weather has been bipolar in Portland!  Every morning the trees are ice tipped and the roadways glisten for as far as you can see..  which isn't far because each morning a heavy fog engulfs us.  Then, spectacularly, the fog burns off and we're left with bright blue crisp skies.  It's freezing, but gorgeous.  ||

|| rhett was so sweet and insisted my sissy get to take in a Blazer game with me, so off to the game me and Bab's went.  We had mucho fun. Thx for coming with me Bab's!  XO ||

|| Zumba.  Holy mother of god.  I am still hurting.  No joke!  It's that pump pump action, I just know it.  My back, my abs, my sides, my arms.  OHMYGAAAAD.  These little treadmill things I've been doing don't have nothin' on Zumba.  What a sweat! ||

intermixed with some fun, we had a nice, relaxing weekend.  I slept a LOT!  It's been months since I spent an afternoon just sleeping.  It was pretty spectacular.  This week I'm itching the housing market itch, just to see what's out there.. first viewing is set for tomorrow morning. {!!!} ||

Menu v2: Crockpot Mania

seriously.  My first week cooking with the crockpot was a raging success.  The meal planning paid off and having a dinner to put on the table every night was a breeze ~ for the first time, EVER.  Totally changed my life.  Even though the prep is still a necessary part of the evil, I'd much rather prep in the morning as opposed to at night, and the crockpot allows just that.  And as a working mom?  I can't even begin to explain how absolutely fantastic it is to come home and 75% of dinner is ready to go.  I'm loving it, and going for it again this week.  Crockpot Mania is in full swing.

And now... for last week's review.

Menu 1 Review:

click above to go to Menu 1

 and find links to all recipes reviewed below}

KEEPERS:

Crockpot Chicken Tortilla Soup was BOMB.  So flavorful. YOU NEED TO MAKE IT.

Crockpot BBQ Shrimp was AMAZING and super fun to eat with a group of people.  If you like shrimp and dipping bread in amazing butter sauce, this recipe will leave you planning the next time you will make it.

Both will hit the menu again, in the near future.

WON'T MAKE AGAIN:

Crockpot Tri-Tip.  Total waste of a $22 piece of meat.  We ate it, and the dried tomatoes and feta were tasty and all {duh}, but it was nothing special and we decided a Tri Tip is meant to be BBQ'd, not Crockpot'd.  We won't be making it again.

Crockpot Pineapple Chicken.  It wasn't terribly bad, but nothing great.  I've heard there is a great BBQ Pineapple chicken recipe out there, I will look for it.  I like the flavor of pineapple but this recipe was lacking.

DIDN'T MAKE:

Crockpot Chicken Adobo. The schedule got away from me and we missed Adobo night.  Rhett took the chicken that was purchased for the Adobo and baked it, so no Adobo.  I'll add it to the menu again sometime soon.

On Tap for next week: {click to go to link}

Lemon Garlic Chicken + Potatoes

Enchilada Chicken Chili   [I'm really excited about this one]

Chicken with Spring Vegetables  + Quiona 

Cream Cheese Chicken  + pasta

Hash Brown Breakfast Casserole  [first shot at a breakfast dish]

Click here for a collection of Healthy Crockpot Recipes I came across on Pinterest

Mashed Cauliflower {potato substitute}

Holy moly.  They turned out perfect, and made my whole entire day.  The void I needed filled?  Filled.  I needed a little crunch, something that felt hardy, like a mashed potato would, and I'm telling you, this recipe does the trick.  Next time I think I will heed the advice in the original recipe {link is below} and will add some rosemary to give it a bit more flavor.  I did add a teaspoon or two of fat free sour cream on top to eat... 

{this post is originally from a "fitness tracking" blog I started last year but fell away from.  Because I plan to make this tomorrow, to go along with the Crockpot Tri Tip, I wanted to post it here for reference, and I thought some of you on the fit train might enjoy it.  No doubt about it, it is GOOD}

Here's how I did it:

• 1 head cauliflower
• 1 tablespoon fat free cream cheese
• 1/4 cup grated Parmesan
• 1/2 teaspoon minced garlic
• 1/8 teaspoon vegetable broth 
• 1/8 teaspoon ground black pepper
• 1 tablespoon butter
• 1 teaspoon garlic salt {needed it after a taste test}

Cut the cauliflower off the head in small pieces and put in the pot, bring to a boil.  Once it is boiling, put 6 minutes on the timer.  It really did take about 6 minutes till I put a fork in a piece of the cauliflower and it broke softly apart.  Drain in a colander.  Pat dry with a paper towel.  Add all ingredients in a bowl and beat with a mixer until it is mixed well and all chunks have been put through the mixer.  It WILL be a little chunky.  But not much!  Don't shoot for creamy though.. it doesn't happen and doesn't need to.  Serve.  If you're like me, put a dab of fat free sour cream on top and enjoy! 

• original recipe inspiration

you know those one shoes from Target?

Bab's was a doll and a half and left the house with me at EIGHT TWENTY A.M. Saturday morning for Bird's bball game.  Who makes these kids' sports schedules, anyway???!

The team got put in their place a wee little bit after last week's 71-9 victory and lost by two points.  Call me whatever you may call me, but I personally think losing is a good thing every once in awhile.  Builds character, makes you fight harder, bites a layer or two into that ego and I don't think that's a bad thing.

that darn cold/cough/flu crap that's been going around took residence in Rhett, so he wasn't able to make the game but when we got home he had made us his famous Quiche. Here's a few photos for your drooling pleasure... 

it is SO GOOD.  One of my favorite things he makes.

Bab's needed some new glasses, so we headed to the mall at noon, met Karley and Jake.. and FIVE HOURS LATER, we left.

finding the perfect pair of glasses for Aub's was agonizing!
this is a big decision!! 

I truly can't totally explain how completely wonderful it is to spend a day with my little sissy's.  A whole day! At the mall, no less.  I'm so very blessed right now.  I need to remember to lick up every last bit of us all living so close together.  

and then, after the mall,

for the fourth time in five days, we went to the gym.  

No Big Deal.  

hey look, every time I'm at the gym?
it's getting blasted on IG and Twitter and Text and Email!!!
This is ME.
At the G.Y.M.
!!!!!!!!!!

after the gym, we Aubrey came home and made us a yummy carby dinner.  And Tristen set the table.  He loves setting the table.. how cute is that.  I love it.

ps.  adding a plate of tomatoes and kiwi to the table is BOMB.

Sunday I spent about four hours going through my closet.  I took out everything that doesn't currently fit, everything that most definitely won't be worn again till spring or summer, and added some work slacks that my girlfriend passed onto me {thank you, thank you, thank you!!}.  It's still a work in progress, but I'm feeling confident that getting ready every morning is going to be sooo much easier!

I determined that I need to add two things to my closet.  That's it.  ONLY TWO THINGS.  A white button down shirt, and some black combatty boots (I don't know what they are really called).  So, while at Target buying a present for our niece, I took a quick breeze through the clothes and shoe department, looking ONLY for the two things that I need to add to my closet, and wouldn't you know it ~ THESE were HALF OFF.

crap!
the first "unnecessary"
addition to my closet was purchased.
and then a second one was purchased seconds later,
cause a crazy cool leopard pair was EIGHT DOLLARS!
I mean.  What is a girl supposed to do???
every girl needs those shoes, right!? ;)

ooooh, and another reason we were at Target?  Cause we were meeting someone to purchase their Lady Gaga ticket!!!!  I'm soo excited for the show!  This Tuesday.  I can't wait.  We got GA floor tickets and it's gonna be a daaaaaance party!!!

we finished Sunday evening with friends and family, celebrating Viv's second birthday.  Crazy.  I just can't hardly believe it's been two years since Viv joined the family.  Seems like it was just a few weeks ago that I remember riding the hospital elevator up to see the first precious baby girl to join the clan; but in the same breath, I can't hardly remember the time before she was here and part of the fam.  Weird how that works, isn't it.  

her beautiful mama made this cake

we went to the party.. and then my phone died!  So, that's a wrap!!  That was our weekend and now it's time for Monday!  Lots to look forward to this week.  It's going to be a fast and furious one. These type of weeks excite me, but also cause that pitter patter of anx inside me to pitter a little bit faster.  You know what though?  I'm going to wait to worry about it and just attack it and see if it can all be done!  ;)  happy monday!

ps.. I also did a little crockpot meal planning thanks to all of your wonderful encouragement and suggestions last week!  I posted them here, so I can refer to one post with all the links all week long.  If the recipes go well, I'll be sure to share!!

Menu v1: it ain't pretty, but here it is

only thing left to buy is the Shrimp!
In Black is the recipe I choose (link below)
In Red are the ingredients I didn't have on hand that needed to be bought

last week I mentioned that we had broke out the Crockpot and overwhelmingly, peoples looove crockpots!!  I was so encouraged!!!  My bestie has been having all kinds of success with the crockpot and her sharing + all the fantastic ideas and tips from everyone here + the fact that the crockpot chicken last week made dinner sooo easy, made me decide to try out an entire week of Crockpot dishes!  Below is what we'll be eating this week, and all the links to the recipes.. wish us luck!

Crockpot Chicken Tortilla Soup 

Crockpot Pineapple Chicken + Couscous

Crockpot Sundried Feta Tri Tip + Mashed Cauliflower + Green Salad

Crockpot BBQ Shrimp + Bread + Grilled Veggies on Hand

Crockpot Chicken Adobo + Rice + Green Salad


special thanks to Casey for introducing me to A Year of Slow Cooking !
Such an awesome site!  Thanks Casey!

gym rats. we're almost gym rats.

we're sick of it!!  It's time to fight the fat! AND we found out this week that Tristen is finally old enough to join the gym!!!  Soooo, we signed him up and we have aspirations that trips to the gym will be "fun family outings", on the daily.  Life has slowed a little lately, and I think we honestly will be sitting at home, bored, and will be like, let's go to the gym.  And so we will.  Gym Rats.  We're gonna be gym rats.

Two.  2.  Dos.  Deux.

We went to the gym TWO times so far this week, AND, have plans to go tonight!
if there was a record for how many times I've gone to the gym in a week,
over the last 52 weeks,
I totally just set the record to beat this week.

And, seriously?  It feels SO GOOD.
so good.

yessssss.

THAT HAPPENED.

And now I will need to spend the weekend stalking blogs and pinterest
for Crockpot recipes, cause it did make dinner super duper easy.

seriously,
how did I get so lucky.
great kid and he loves to cook.
he's gonna make some girl a great man someday.
he makes me so proud. 

thanks a lot, fat pants

necklace: Banana Republic {old}, bag: Jessica Simpson, recently spotted at DSW
sunglasses: Target, bangles: Buckle, boots: Naughty Monkey @ Nordstroms, leggings: Target
shirt: Gypsy Soul, tank: JCP

gad, first of all, sorry about the low quality photos.  my camera's settings are a hot mess right now.  grrrr!

moving on.. look at those thighs, my mamasieta's. look at em! can I admit something?  I had a bestie girlfriend, with all the love in her heart, tell me about a year ago how great I looked and that "my thighs didn't even touch!"  and you know what?  I had never, ever, ever, ever even considered that.  I never had looked at my thighs, or anyone else's thighs, and noticed whether they touched or not.  and now, now all I see is that my thighs touch.  crazy how if you are unaware of something, it would never cause you pause.  but once you're aware, it can change everything you see.  ignorance is bliss?  in the case of touching thighs?  YESSSS!

that said, ignorance is not bliss in the case of me ignoring the fact that I've packed on TWENTY pounds [yes.  it is twenty pounds.  I could take a pic of the scale, and prove it, but I'm going to save us both that] cause I have been living in bliss, eating a lot, of whatever I please, not exercising, at all, and saying in my head "oops, another 5 pounds.  I'll lose it, when I decide to lose it".  problem is those 5 pounds times 4 are now 20 pounds, and def not something I can just drop off with one run up the street.

and so.. I wear a lot of fat pants.  ie. leggings.  ya, ya, yea, I know.  leggings are so in.  and so are over-sized shirts which is a blessing and a curse all rolled into "yes, please, I'll have dessert too, my fat pants leggings will stretch out just fine for a big fat slice of that red velvet cake."  And so with a big ball of buttery love, hate, sarcasm, and gratefulness, I say..  Thanks a lot, fat pants.

Linking up to the style party at Pleated Poppy and because I think this qualifies, over with Shanna at Because Shanna Said So for a little Wednesday Randomness!  Happy Hump Day Mama's!!  XOXO -m-

lost photos

I was cleaning off a few memory cards the other night and came across these photos taken August 2012, during our beach family reunion.  The pixel quality sucks, but the I love quality filled my heart to the brim. And made me really, really, really want some pro fam pics... on the list for 2013: once and for all, get some legit family photos.

|| hail the weekend ||

 

• Bab's, Rhett, and I rose bright and early Saturday morning cause it's basketball season again!  
• .. and the boys killed it!  71 to 9.  Ohmy.  It was honestly uncomfortable.  Poor other team.
• "Eat Well" went out the window the second I remembered Wow! Burger was 30 seconds away from Ikea..
• ..which is where we were when Tristen found those glasses and loooved them.  I immediately put 'em in our cart, cause I am all about supporting my boys' interest in dishware! ;)  I also swooped up some white dishware to replace all the heavy old stoneware dishes that I've been itching to replace for foooorevvveeer. Score for me!  Now my debate is, do I keep the old stoneware, or just donate it?? 

• Saturday night we went to the local high school basketball prep showcase.  And we sat in the student section.  Just like we did ... FIFTEEN YEARS AGO (TWENTY for Rhett, hahahaha! ;).  Mygad, we're old!  I did see two fashion statements that made me look twice, and the boys behind us gave us a clue on what a "wet" shot is all about. Perks of the student section.  :)
• Community, Community!  I am a big believer in supporting kids and community! I want to do more of it.  
• Tristen and his basketball crew.  You guys, those boys are straight girl crazy!!!  EEEEK!  It was Hilarious!  And of course, their coach was egging em on and Tristen stepped up to the plate.  What a player that boy is gonna be, it's already started.  He high fived one particular cheerleader and motioned and mouthed for one of them to "call me".  Ohmy.  

there is not one photo from Sunday!  Not one.  Rhett made a fantastic keish breakfast pie and Tristen set the table ~ yep.  proud mama, that's the son I'm raising! ~ and then we laid around for half the day.  Literally.  About 2pm, we finally got moving, went grocery shopping, and had dinner with the fam, as is ritual every Sunday evening.  Stellar weekend.  Nothing outrageous, just a very nice mello weekend.